Urban Brawl Season-End Slapdown

Gronk - 18.01.2013 3:21PM

Well, it’s that time of year again, urban brawlers. The season is over, the casualty reports and injury updates are all done, the Super Brawl’s been played (congrats to the Arrows), and the World Cup has been decided (congrats Account Zero). So what now?

Now we run down bone-headed mistakes coaches and players made to tank our fantasy brawl leagues, that’s what! Last week I ranted about a couple teams, and this week I’m ranting about a couple more. Why? Because they’re idiots and they should stop.

Pro tip: Draco Foundation Mountain Dragons. What the frag went wrong this year? One word: YOU TRADED AWAY SUPERSTARS. No Lion, no Dog, no fraggin’ Monster, so no championship. With those trades you lost your flair, you lost your firepower, and you lost your third-dimension mobility. Trading away big-name players like that after the ’73 Super Brawl win is why you barely made it into the playoffs this year.

Pro tip: Chicago Sensations. Your performance this season just makes it feel all the more likely that you schmucks did, in fact, get beat by some amateurs in the Super Brawl a year ago, despite the Mountain Dragons continuing to deny those rumors. You had no offense the latter half of the season, and you can’t win with defense alone. You need quality Scouts to score points. You sucked because you deserved to suck.

Pro tip: Seattle Screamers. Hey, good job! You knuckleheads managed to haul your way up from the twenty-sixth spot last season to nineteenth. Whoopty-crap. Keep screaming; everyone else keeps winning. Get some decent talent with boots on the ground! You need more than a good outrider—this isn’t combat biker. You are why no one likes Seattle.

Pro tip: Tacoma Wings. Good job picking up the Monster (since the Mountain Dragons were idiots and traded him off), but you guys can’t just toss him on the field and expect ol’ two-talons to make plays. Support him. You need firepower if he’s gonna get a shot at moving the ball. Get a decent blaster, dummies. You’re the OTHER reason no one likes Seattle.

Pro tip: Portland Paladins. Stop relying on the NCE to do all the work. The only reason your frou-frou all-elf team is winning is the same reason your frou-frou all-elf team started playing in the first place. One word: ISSV MORONS RUINED THE GAME WITH MAGIC. NCE is all hype, cybered to the gills, and still slinging mojo like that. BAN MAGIC. Bring back the purity of the game, and I bet these keeblers would go back to Hurley or whatever they play in Fantasyland.

Pro tip: Dallas Outlaws. You picked up the Dog, now USE HIM. You don’t get a top-notch blaster like that and make him ride the bench just because of his off-the-zone behavior. So he bit a dude. So what? You knew what you were getting when you signed him. If he’s gonna keep getting you four downed brawlers a game and allow a league-low of 3.2 scores against you, you let him bite people sometimes and you PLAY HIM. Idiots!

Pro tip: Horizon Coordinators. Maybe you should, I dunno, fragging coordinate better. You guys have top-notch talent, everyone has great individual stats, but your coaching just isn’t getting them all on the same page. You have to move the ball downfield, protect your zone, AND worry about individual kill-stats. One word: ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Get your act together.

Pro tip: Boston Massacre. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DO, BABY. 2075 is gonna be our year! We’ve got the best Bangers in the NAUBL, our Heavies can’t be stopped, and we’re going all the way to the Super Brawl this season for sure. Those NeoNET poseur “Champions” can suck it, Massacre for life! Everyone who really loves Boston loves you guys.